What's your number?

I watched Tyra Banks' show a year ago and she had a guest, Glynis McCants, who explained about Life Paths. It was quite interesting to see what factor affects of people based on the day they were born. The Life Path Number is computed by adding all the numbers on a person's birthdate until you end up with a number from 1 to 9.

Watch the Tyra Banks episode here

I drew up my family's and I got:

Mom - 1

Sibling - 6

Me - 8

Dad - 9

I briefly reflected on this and truth be told, it really made sense. It helped me understand my family a little better. But we still have to remember that each person has a life path and it is no more unique that zodiac signs or blood types.



Whatever number repeatedly identifies itself in our lives are only, for a lack of better word, signs.  I for one always keep seeing 5 around me and I treat it as a reminder that I need a little adventure in my life.

We are not our parents.

There are prejudices that we have, some we acknowledge and some we aren't even aware of.

I have a relative that has gained popularity for the wrong reasons. Misunderstandings happened and money, trust and peace all went down the drain. It was a pretty hard hit in our family financially but we were still together. I couldn't say the same for that person's family. Once what was an abundant home became a war zone with two children growing up in the crossfire of their parents. The relationship I had wasn't one that merited any awards. I was a niece, wary but polite to her Tito. When the relationship decayed, there was an unwarranted feeling, something close to hatred or anger. Well, it was neither, but there was never really a reason or impression of good faith on my part. I ended up looking at a person just as that, a person.

Lately I realized that a person isn't just a person, a person is also a set of relationships.

It has been almost 5 years since I've seen the family of my relative. And I was taken aback by how much time has molded them without me knowing it. And as I looked into the eyes of the children, I realized I shouldn't be displacing my feelings towards their father to them. His mistakes aren't their mistakes.

My prejudice has made me a little blind.

I once saw in Oprah an interview with Maya Angelou. Maya said, let your eyes light up when the children walk into the room. And I have always taken those words to heart. And when I saw those children, I remembered Maya's words.

Oprah's Lifeclass

And so I continue living today, a little aghast by my judgmental behavior. I have seen my fault and would like to see other people as more than what I see, that there are relationships to them, but it should not taint or disturb how I would see them as well.

There are those little things.

Like,

Err.

The way you look at me.

How you'd laugh at the 

The smallest things become big things when you're in love


And then you'd name would pop up in my screen and I could almost hear your voice.

Happiness Is

There is a series of books from Snoopy about Happiness.

It's a list of things that, well, we would commonly experience but undoubtedly bring happiness to us. One of my favorite bloggers, Anna Oposa (http://annaoposa.ph/) wrote her own list of 'things of happiness'. And I'm making an updated version of mine.

1. Long hot bath, preferably in a tub

There's nothing like the sound of silence

2. Chocolate Fudge Cookies (from Evert's Desserts)
Chewy goodness in the middle of chocolate.

3.Marks and Spencer's White Peach and Almond Body Wash
Beautiful pearl peach color with scent that leave your skin smelling delicious.

4. Real honest to goodness Peaches
Soft flesh with unparalleled peach smell that can only come from an actual peach.

5. High grade Medium-Rare Yakiniku

6. Head massages

There is nothing more stimulating and sensual than a massage straight to the head.

7. Egg plant parmigianna and Penne from T.O.S.H

8. Ravioli

9. Stars

10. A gentle breeze as you drive by on a cloudy afternoon

Self-celebrating Birthdays

As children, we often found ourselves in squirmish situations. You were asked to lead the prayer, or to dance in front, or to play the piano in front of people. Those were times when immediately after we perform, we scatter in humiliation and feelings of inadequacy.

And for many, many years, I felt the same about celebrating my birthday.

Birthdays felt like a circus performance. You were the main exhibition at a country fair. It wasn't because of feelings of vulnerability. It was because I didn't think I was a big deal, that I deserved to be celebrated. Yes, there were elements of shyness involved, but that in itself is a product of lack of self-worth and self-appreciation.

There were times I would like to celebrate by providing for others, bringing them pizza or inviting them over at home, but it would always be only for my classmates for the former and the very few for the latter. I was a private person as a child, and I still am, but lately I realized I no longer felt I need to hide the fact it's my birthday, on my birthday.

When did this start to happen?

That, is something gradual. I learned to appreciate myself more and not to be too hard on myself. And along the way, I finally accepted to celebrate me. I deserve attention, I deserve happiness. And so on my birthday, I found a feeling of utter happiness. Of course part of that happiness is gifts, but a bigger part of it is from loving oneself.

To celebrate a birthday, is to celebrate that happiness of being in their life.
To celebrate a birthday, is to congratulate those parents each year for having you.
To celebrate a birthday, is to recognize that you deserve to be celebrated.

You don't have to throw a big party, or pay for everything.
You just have to sincerely celebrate yourself.

I grew up thinking I was generally without much money.
It's hard to ask for things for me. I feel unnerved and vulnerable. I don't know if other people feel the same way.

Christmas Is When

There are things that grow on us over time and it gives meaning to our little holidays.
And in the spirit of Christmas, here is my Merry Christmas List.

1. Going broke for Adelina's Ham. It's not Christmas without ham.
2. Hearing All I Want For Christmas by Mariah over and over again on the radio. You'd think it'd get old, but it never does.
3. Serendipitously flipping the channel to Love Actually on December day. And you still watch it.
4. Getting excited to go watch Bukas Palad sing before the Misa de Gallo mass at the Gesu.
5. I get that P5,000.00 Market Market GC and plan what to do with it.

Past me

Me and My Family

---------------

September 29

first thing i looked for.. does it smell like japan? it does. it is japan (isip ko syempre, wow..i'm back! and it smells like the same japan i have in my auditory memory.yikee!) after passing the immigration counter and getting our luggage, we rode the limousine bus to Shinjuku Ward (imagine PhP1,200 per head for a bus ride for 2 hours just to get to the city?! why is the airport so far away in the first place?!). After getting off the bus, we got a taxi and went straight to my mansion (fyi.. condo`s are called mansions in japan. it's not an apartment pala. thank goodness. :P). we had dinner at the most expensive Sushi place i've ever eaten.. and to think i've eaten a lot of sushi in my lifetime (it's so expensive that my dad paid PhP11, 200.00 just to feed 6 people. that's double our usual budget per head. sheps.). anyway, we all went to the hotel at Shinagawa (40minutes away from my place). and later, my mom, my sister and i went to the mansion to sleep there.
 

 

September 30

we woke up and find out we had no heater. and it was the end of getting a shower at the mansion. the three of us went to the hotel to shower. haha :P i picked out a shirt before i left for japan, and i was so happy i got to wear it (dense. pero i really did want to wear something special :P). we had lunch at one of the top floors of the hotel.. and then karaoke! my dad got super drunk that he had to go sleep at 5 in the afternoon. goodness. my closest (in degree) relatives were there - the remaining brother and sisters of my dad. so it was a tearful moment for them since 3 passed away already (family thing na so..). my mom, my sister and i went to akihabara to get home supplies but eventually ended up back in shinjuku. my mom parted ways with us to go to the hotel (and tend to my dad).. so it was just me and my sister.. alone at the mansion. yikee. :P we went to Don Quijote (a super mega discount store) that night with Mr. Ando (my dad's friend, and owner of the building i'm staying at.). this day was the first time this year that i wasn't able to go to mass. hay. *sighs*
 

 

October 01

no heater still. my sister and i went to shinagawa for showers. and lucky us, the immigration people stationed at Shinagawa train station spotted us (buti na lang nangyari na sa amin to 3 years ago, so we just have to show them our passports and ok na). but woe to me, i left it with my mom.. haha so i talked my way out of the mess. who knew i could do that. :P when we all met up, my dad had business at Yokohama and the three of us left for shopping. we went to discount stores.. otherwise, i don't even want to think about the figure we'd spend. dinner was at the hotel again, with my aunt Kimie (she has a pretty name.she's the oldest living relative now. 77 and still strong!). since my sister had school duties to attend to, i went home alone. first time i spend alone at the mansion, and i've been alone ever since. (charing! :P)
 

 

October 02

today was simple, i went to school with Papa to meet up with the sensei who's been helping me. my mom waited for a Tokyo Gas representative to fix the heater. we went to Don Quijote again. My mom and sister left. I bought my ref and oven range. and i saw 6 brand new BMW's in a haul-truck that morning (tama ba?) and 14 brand new  Toyota sedans in two haul-trucks that night (panalo talaga yun T-T).
 

 

October 03

placement day has arrived. this is the day i should have been studying for.　I didn't want to be placed in the beginner-beginner class. that would have been torture. so they sent me to room 301 to wait for the briefing. i waited for 1.5 hours.. no one came. haha and i saw everyone was already leaving. what happened? they assigned me to the wrong room. haha mistakes happen in japan too. anyway, the actual exam starts after lunch so they made everyone come back in the afternoon. and again, i was assigned to the wrong room (pero  exagge na kung 1.5 hours ulit akong nakatunganga ha.). i asked a personnel and he directed me to the interview section.  i talked my way through, and luckily enough.. he told me i didn't have to take the test! (seryosong relieved talaga ako. as in gusto ko maiyak sa galak na hindi magdudugo utak ko nung hapong yun. as in.. inulit ko pa kung pwede na ko umalis.. sabi niya oo. T-T). i went straight for the hotel afterwards. we all went for yakiniku that night.. it's something we share in the family.. (halos every other week na lang ata nag-yayakiniku kami. we love meat..? haha :P) and i left knowing that this is the last time i'm having dinner with them. that night, i got 7 hugs from papa. *heart skipping..* enough said.
 

 

October 04

and so, my family was set to leave for the Philippines today. my classes were fortunately scheduled for the afternoon.. so i was able to get to the hotel with 3 hours to spend with my family before they leave for the airport. we had Nagasaki (papa's hometown) food - Champon and Sara Udon. :P (memorable yung laki ng serving nila. haha). we went back to the hotel and i gave last minutes requests to my sister. my time was up so i had to leave without a proper hug from my dad. huhu. but seriously, i computed the arrival of the next train. had i even left 1 minute later, i'd be late for 5 minutes.. and on the first day.

so that's my trip with my family.

later that day.. i had my first Japanese-style mcdo haha. never mind. at school, i was reassigned to the wrong class again. haha i was assigned to the wrong room. again. (kaya pala parang hirap ako sa lesson..? first time nangyari na hirap ako sa japanese class. sheps. at least when they reassigned me, i knew i belonged there because the class curriculum design picked up where JSP 103 ended.). and surprise, the guy who interviewed me was my adviser. small world. :P

alone in japan adventures next. :P
 

 

 

Me.. Alone

------------------

October 05

-first itinerary: laundry. haha wala ng masuot eh. :P
-i tried walking to Sasazuka station, a station closer to school (cut costs by PhP5.00 and sight-seeing. nice town. :)) walked home that way too. i got lost tying to find the station though. haha
 

-first time i called from a payphone.. shucks.

-im sick pala. bought vitamin c capsules for 400 bucks. sheps. should bring meds from philippines next time.
 

-studied kanji for 2 hours. (soooooo very much behind. i have to cram this..arg. we're on kanji number 104, so that 104 additional kanji characters i have to learn in a week! gosh. bakit ko ba minani-mani yung JSP classes.)
 

 

October 06: My first weekend alone
 

-folded the strips of papers from my care package! i open one everyday. thank you marj, queenie, eswhy, ge and joanini. you make my day, everyday.
 

-waited for my nimostu.. 3 boxes.. will be shelved the same day to proper designated areas haha
 

-bought 5-tier shelf.. dami kong gamit ;P
 

-yakiniku with ando-san and yokota-san (probably my last, for a long time..)
 

 

October 07

-church! all i can say is.. wow. Yotsuya's St. Ignatius Church.. amazing. guffaw. really. it's my new cellphone background.
 

-i brought flowers for Mary. ;) pretty. i pass by a flower stand everyday. (nangangati lang din akong bumili. tagal na kong di nakahawak ng bulaklak.. march pa nun.)
 

-akihabara.. pc spotting. laptop's are far more cheaper than pc's here. you can get a core2duo 2gRam vista 160gb pc for 70k.. naman.
 

-muscle girl (nagset-up ng pc table and shelf eh.)
 

 

October 08

-national holiday - commemoration for sports day (or something like that..)
-i went for an authentic japanese ramen. last one i ate was 3 years ago.
-i bought dalandan for my cold. my effective remedy. i never liked meds.
-self-building a shelf day again. (sheps.. muscle ba yun..)
 

-everything's complete in the house.. i can live without leaving, except for food and laundry (and school. :P) and its so clean. haha
 

- went out the other side of the train station and came a cross an empty children's playground. hmm. sad. but there are kids here. really.

 

October 09

-opening ceremony
-i went park-hunting. i appreciate the parks we have at our village now. the park i saw was redesigned with apartment buildings.
-i finally found citibank. took me 2 hours. kept ending up in the wrong side of the street. there was a drizzle of rain today.
-i had an express train pass in front of me. it was amazing... except for the part where i was just a meter away from the tracks. that part.. i'll never do again.
 

 

October 10

-i started eating cereal for breakfast today instead of going hungry (from katamaran. :P sorry marj, mukhang di uso talaga oatmeal dito.)
-applied for an alien registration card and health insurance at Suginami Ward City Hall.
-i chanced upon taking a different train to school today. same difference.
-ordered my grade 3 to grade 6 kanji books for reference. really really helpful.really.
-so cold. this is the first night i felt really really cold here. i sauna-ed my room with boiling water and i put on a sweater. it was that cold. 
-studied kanji for 2 hours again..

 

October 11

-i did yoga today. hmm. should review this. i think im doing it wrong..
-first time i used my Pasmo Card. (pasmo card are reloadable train passes with rfid technology, i think.. :))
-nag-mcdo ulit. haha ;P
-i got lost in shinjuku.. i was looking for a bookstore.. probably the only good bookstore within a 5km range..
-i went to Yodobashi Camera and asked about getting a DSL line. it takes a month to set-up. (naman!)
-i bought books today. haha kanji dictionary! (kinacareer?)
-i got my student ID today.. student number L07-C020. there.. i have a record here.
-study kanji for 2 hours again..

 

October 12

-internetttt! 1st time i was able to succesfully find a cheap enough internet shop! its's PhP400 for 3 hours. goodness. hay. and they have a manga library here.. amazingly enough.. you can browse through it while waiting for a pc booth. did i mention tambak na ko sa email and mga comments na gustong gawin sa multiply?!
-my birthday treat is finally up. more posts to do..
-1st time to use the internet at school too. maximum of 30 minutes per student. erm.
-it was super sunny today.. to the point of almost swearing off my trusted long sleeves. i will need this in the next few weeks. so never mind. it was just hot.
-mcdo. ulit.

 

October 13

-akihabara- dell real site

-saw an entire building dedicated to gamers

- went perfume shopping

-bought my long time love affair with kenzo - leau par pour femme

snoopy game

saw a guy in a pikachu costume

laptops are cheaper than desktops here

-okachimachi

-pasta isnt their strong suit

-sehkaido

-painted my nails

-studied

October14
church
harajku snoopy town

bought a book, keychain and socks

authentic soba

chococroc

takeshita street

got my name stamp

new houseguest - snoopy

 

October 15

October 16

so, in short.. what i've been doing is..
sight-see..

There are people like me who spend so much time in organizing our lives. It starts with simple things. That big heavy bag we carry to school everyday in grade school. That notebook where we scribble down absolutely everything the teacher writes on the board. That first cellphone where everyone that belongs to a certain group should stay together on our address book.

It doesn't really change. It's still groups, cliques and crews on our yahoo messenger and facebook friends. Let's admit liking organization.

A little like birthdays.

There was always this me who sat back and watched the world, not really waiting for love to happen; but it did. That ended.

And for a little more than four years I've been running.

There were times when it was really hard. But I never really did anything. I just stood watch.

I recently found out he was married, it was the first time in my life I understood why people go to drink when something bad happens.

It's not just because they want to, or they'd like to waste away the rest of their lives into the bliss of alcohol. Maybe there's something else.

Drinking with friends gives us the chance to create a rite of passage. It's the same reason why we hold birthdays, and anniversaries, and Christmas parties. We're people, we're accustomed to culture and ceremonies. We like our little rituals. It's our internal joys or in my case, torments, realized into action.

Now he's happy, and in another parallel universe I would have been invited to his wedding. I'd bet my life on it.

We feel, we put into reality, and then we move on.

happy birthday to me.

とらドラブルース

とらドラの北村君が大好き。何でか分からないけど、心がギュギューット！超タイプだからかな？あんなヒューモアが好みだからかな？どれにしても今まで見てきたキャラの中でベスト１・２・３かも！北村の成り行きは少し悔しかったり別方向に行ってもらいたかったが、それでも北村が好きだね。

土下座ならぬ「土下寝」の北村

サンタ姿の北村

キャラクタープロフィルはこちらです。

とらドラを見ようかなと思う人に、見てくださいと言いたいです。少しへヴィーかもしれないが、その分の面白さもあります。恋するはどんな感じと忘れた人、恋をあきらめた人、恋に夢中の人、見る価値があると思います。是非見てください。

Growing up all the same differently.

Sometimes, I ask myself in complete wonder, how late am I compared to the world.

People grow up together until college. It's the same classes, the same environment, the same leaders, the same food, the same teachers and the same lifestyle. There is a collective growing up in our own little worlds. All different, but all the same.

We start together but we finish differently.

And when we step out of school, our lives take different speeds. Some make smarter decisions. We exchanged stories over a casual cup of coffee and there it starts, where did I go differently?

A person my age should already be what exactly?

I plan my own way around the world based on what my friends have made of their lives. It's the most convenient way to plan a life. I make investments. I plan funds. I save and spend. We all do. But we all do it differently.

Everyone stopped growing up the same way after college. And it's scary to see myself pitted against my peers. I am both comfortable and secure that I'm not in the bottom percentile but it's a sad sad world to grow up alone in.

The sky is blue.

I remember moments in my life when all I can see is that one person and no one else.
And I've had four of those moments.

It started with that one afternoon just outside the library. The log-in sheet sat quietly in front of this boy, his hand on a pen, writing down his name. The hall was quiet with just the two of us. And as I stood beside him watching, he lifted his eyes to mine and that was the first moment.

A few years later, I grew up a little and joined volunteer organizations. It was in one of those orientations. The room was silent as the meeting progressed, student leaders stood one by one to introduce themselves. And then there he was, standing alone in a small sea of heads. He wasn't very tall and he wasn't the most handsome of men, but he had that fondness from my heart. And I never forgot my second moment.

A year passed by and I'm in another place full of people, and just as I stand in front of a crowd of student leaders, across the room there was this boy, in his work suit - quiet, smiling and it was as if everything nice in the world was following him. He was infectious. This was the third moment.

And two more years followed. It was a sunny morning and I had had my breakfast. I was in front of the bin when I heard footsteps going up to where I was. I turn around and there was this beautiful person in front of me. No smiles, no warmth, just that beauty. And it was enough to make my heart do flipflops. My knees buckled and my heart melted to the floor. My fourth moment.

Everytime I remember things like these, music plays in my head.
And I always think, so this is love at first sight.

私の日本での思い出のブログ誕生

http://www.alittlejapanese.webs.com
そろそろ紹介すべきだと思いますので、私が使ったブログはこのリンクでご覧ください！
コメントなどいりませんが、今度会うときブログの内容につきまして是非声をかけていただきたいです。

タイヤとエアー

今日は、私の馬鹿ですから、タイヤを道角にぶつかって、穴が開いてしまいました。そのわけで何年ぶりにうちの車のタイヤを入れ替えました。私でやりたかったが、邪魔にならないように見学だけをしてました。それで、こう思いました：私って弱いか、女性からか、繊細からかな。私は気を使われるほどの人ではありませんが、そうされると少しうれしいです。本当にうれしかったです。たまに人の気持ちとお心を受けると私がめちゃめちゃうれしくなるタイプです。普通私からきを使ったり、他人に優しく接触したりします。それで、こんなことが起こったりすると以外に深く思うですね。小さなことにこうパッと心が癒されます。幸せはほんのちょっとな行動にも見えます。

ついでに、初めて車のタイヤのエアーもサービスしてもらいました。本当は私がやるべきことですが、遠慮されて、やってもらったことになりました。少しエアーの入れ方の勉強にもなりましたよ。

それも恥ずかしかったが、うれしい気持ちも含めています。

i miss God.

Use your smile to change the world. Don't let the world change your smile. (Reposted from Char)

私の前に立っていて、手が届けそうな距離

今日は音楽の楽しさを改めて分かった。音楽は、歌詞の意味の深さ、魂のつながり、意識のなじみ、生きる事の表現、思い出、こんなにいろいろである。歌が表現として、言葉の力が分かる。言葉とは不思議なものだね。どんな言葉にも、豊かな存在と深さが伝わる。心が受け止め、分かる、知る、返事する。その感覚は美術にもない。それは言葉のみの事かもしれない。言葉だけでも心は癒されますね。

それで、言葉は人間の反射した自分と思って、それそのものが触れ合いともなっている。その素直さが私にとって勇ましい。自分を世界に知らせると自分を世間に届ける。怖さに飲まれそうな感覚ではないかと普通思って、それがファンになったきっかけだ。ちょっとおかしいだね。歌集たちが自分を他赤の人に紹介しているのに、聞いている人は自分ではできない。音楽にも自分に足りないことに引かれて、それを乗り越えようか、それにもっと飲み込まれるか、自分の強さに信じるしかない。

テイラー、ありがとう。あなたのおかげで、音楽の楽しさを改めて分かった。

歌おう。

This night is flawless, don't you ever know, I'm wonderstruck, walking on the way home. I'll stand forever, don't you ever know, I was enchanted to meet you-u-u-ooh.

妙な向き合いは輝きに

今日しばらく会わなかった友達たちと会って、妙な気持ちで縛られたように感じた。良くも悪くもない感情だった。最近人間との接触が少なかったためかもしれない。とりあえず人が苦手だなと省みた。そもそもどういうわけか分からないが、自分の人生が目立たないように見える。普通ではないが、ほかの友達より輝いていると言えないと思う。それがうちの両親の影響などではない、自分の見方が悪いんじゃないかなと思ってる。

ほかの人に対してポジティブに見る私が、自分だけにはきつく判断する。別に自分の事を嫌いな分けない。その逆なわけでもない。ただ見方が狂っている。生きるには気合と努力がかかるなとずっとずっと前から思ってた。これで、ほかの人の人生を見るとその苦しさを見えずにその歩み道をそのままで見えている。感情につながっていない。だから人の経験とストーリを第三者視点でしか見ることができない。自分で気合を入れて、自分で体験したものをもっと深く、現実的に心に映るのだろう。こう考えたらほかの人に自分の経験が比べるものになれない。最初から比べるものじゃないから。そして自分の人生に深い穴が開いているようであれば、ほかの人のなりにもある。一人じゃない。ただ輝いている人にその暗い気持ちから自分を外し、前に一方一方で歩いてゆく。輝いている人にそれをーとまどい・等惑いーとさせない。それを無意識にやっているかどうか分からないが、自分の周りにもっと気を配ると、ほかの人も同じだと確信して目が覚める。

でもやっぱり無意識にできれば助かる。お願いします。

久しぶり、ミキ

自分の気持ちを言葉にして書くのが久しぶりだね。日本にいた最後の私が懐かしい。二年前の秋から帰って、いろいろやってきた。恋した思い出が追いかけてきた。新しいチャンスが入り込んできた。成長が待っていた。心を整理したい。

幸せかっと自分に聞いてだってわからない。時間が流れていることがわっ勝ってても、動かない、動けない、動きたくない。去年、私の毎日、毎週、毎月の目標が立てた。そうしたら退屈にならない、取り残されない、忘れられない。世界とともに進む。それでも足りない。何かが足りない。何かが足りないようだ。新しい思い出を作っても日本のとは違ってて自分の人生が半端に見えている。情けない私を止めたい。

だから、これで何もかも変えたい。今日から、この瞬間から、新しいものをはじめたい。だから日本語のみブログを始めた。始めたというより復活させた。これで自分の人生をもっとかえりみてて世間の秘密を理解できるように祈ります。

これから、どう幸せになるかに夢中にならず、もう幸せだよ～と繰り替えながら今日と明日と毎日に向かいます。

my mosaic

let's change me.